Open Relationship

Dear United States of America,

I know you’ve been feeling me pulling away from you for the past couple of months since I’ve been back from my travels.

I’m sorry.

I want to validate your feelings. You have not been making that up. I have been pulling away. It has taken me a long time to have this conversation with you.

I haven’t wanted to hurt your feelings…

(deep breath)

Whew, this is uncomfortable so I’m going to get right to the point.

I’ve fallen in love with another country.

Actually not even so much a country but a little island right smack in the middle of Indonesia.

At first I thought my love for this island was a passing fancy. I kept waiting for the infatuation to pass.

But it hasn’t.

One night on my travels I ate dinner with a group of ex-pats. One heard me gushing about Bali and he said sagely, “Bali is more home than home for a lot of people.”

Unites States, I felt guilty agreeing with him but in some ways Bali does feel like home on a deeper level than I ever thought possible.

I’ve never had this feeling before.

You and I have been together for such a long time (my whole life actually) and I didn’t think it was possible to love two countries.

I never thought there could be anyone that could compare to you.

And that’s the problem.

If I don’t compare you to Bali, I’m fine. I can be here with you, U.S.  But if I start comparing you (even in my mind) to Bali then I find myself missing Bali.

And then I’m not fully present with you.

And the thing is…

I don’t want to live there permanently.

And I don’t want to live with you permanently.

I want to live a bi-country life.

Are you okay, U.S.? Oh, are you crying?

Oh, good. I thought you were crying.

You just have allergies?

Oh. Okay. Yeah, it’s that time of year. The wind has been wicked lately.

(deep breath)

I realized that the only way I can make this work, this having a bi-country-life-thing is to treat you the way I would treat a man that I was in an open relationship with. (Which I would never do as you know since I’m such a monogamous woman. It’s hard enough being in love with two countries.)

When I’m with you I need to be with you.

Not fantasizing about Bali.

And I need to stop comparing the two of you too.

You are both so different.

I’ve been noticing that as I’ve begun to really be present to you I’ve begun to appreciate you more.

You are a beautiful country, United States of America.

You also contain some mighty fine people of mine. Mighty fine. People that mean the world to me.

So, I’m here with you now, United States.

Fully here.

And I will be for 8 more months.

Let’s enjoy our time together, shall we?

Tagged as: Bali and California, bi-country life, Ubud and Marin