Sibling Rivalry

Tonight I was talking with my brother and I heard my 5-year old niece in the background.

“Can I talk to River?” I ask my brother (knowing she might say no as she doesn’t like talking on the phone).

“River, do you want to talk to your aunt Kristin?” he asks.

I noticed myself holding my breath hoping she’ll say yes. I haven’t seen or talked to her in a while and I miss her.

“Okay,” she says in her cute voice.

“How are you doing, River?”

“Okay,” she says.

“What did you do at school today?”

“Ummm…I forgot.”

We talk about her dollhouse and how many rooms it has, we talk about her birthday coming up and the sleepover party she’ll have.

Then she says out of the blue in whispered confidence to me: “It’s hard being a big sister.”

I’m so touched that she’s opening up to me. She’s never done that before.

“What’s hard about it, River?” I ask.

“I don’t get as much attention as I used to,” she says.

My heart melts. I don’t want this little girl to experience any pain.

“I’m going to go in the other room,” she says to my brother.

My 5-year old niece is wanting privacy to talk about this with me.

There is silence as she walks down the hallway to her room.

“Okay, I’m in the other room now,” she says in a sad, small voice.

What do I say to her? I want to say just the right thing. I know she doesn’t like talking on the phone and that she probably only has a couple more phone minutes in her. This is the longest she’s ever talked on the phone with me.

“So you are wanting more attention from your mommy and daddy?” I ask.

“Uh-huh,” she says. “My new sister needs a lot of attention.”

“Do you know that you can ask your mommy and daddy for what you want? It doesn’t always mean they will give it to you but if you ask in a certain way you might get more attention.” I tell her.

“How do I ask?”

“Well, what do you say now when you want their attention?”

“I say, ‘Will you play with me please?'” she says.

I pause to think.

“Hmm…well, you might want to try saying, ‘I’m feeling sad. Will you play with me please?’  Saying something like that might help let them know why you are wanting them to play with you.”

Silence

“Do you want to try that? Ask me for attention in the new way?” I ask her.

“Okay,” she says.

“So go ahead, let me know you are wanting some of my attention,” I say.

Silence

then in a tiny voice:

“I’m feeling lonely. Can you play with me?”

“River, that was perfect. I think if you did that you might get some more attention. They won’t always be able to give it to you but if you ask that way, you’ll probably get more attention.”

“Okay,” she says.

“I know what you are going through River. I experienced it myself when I was growing up.”

“You did?”

“Yes, your dad is my brother and I was seven when he was born and I felt upset and sad that he got a lot of the attention from our parents.”

“He got all the attention?”

“Uh-huh. And I was so sad. Just like you tonight. But you know what?”

“What?”

“Now he’s my friend. And your sister…she can’t talk right now so she’s kind of boring but I tell you what–I can tell that your sister is going to be a really cool kid when she gets older. I can tell by the way she looks straight at us and smiles. She’s a baby now but she’s probably going to be a fun little girl and perhaps someday you’ll be friends with her.”

“Oh!” I can hear the smile in her voice.

Suddenly my brother’s voice is on the phone.“Hello sis?”

“I guess she’s done talking,” I say to my brother.

“Yep,” he says.