Bad God, No Biscuit

Last Sunday night I drove to my meditation class.

I was feeling so relaxed. The weekend had been absolutely wonderful. I felt connected to myself, others and God.

I was so at peace. I was singing while I was driving. I had a big smile on my face.

There was a parking spot right in front of the meditation hall.

Life couldn’t be better.

I went to pull into the parking spot but there was a car door open wide so I couldn’t pull into the spot.

A woman was reaching in to the car to get her things.

She was taking a really long time.

I waited.

Peaceful.

Patient.

So unlike me. (The patient part.)

I waited.

And waited.

Finally she looked up and then she glared at me. She moved her car door closed a bit and angrily motioned me in to the spot.

After I parked I sat in my car for a minute and looked at the angry woman to the right of me. She was unloading her meditation cushion from her car.

I got out of my car and unloaded my cushion and my back jack and my yoga mat.  Meditation for most people is a simple thing. Not for me. I tend to pack a lot of props.

My arms were loaded down with my meditation gear. I could barely press the button on my key to lock my car door but finally I was able to reach and press the button.

I turned around and there was the angry woman.

Right beside me. She scared the crap out of me and I jumped a bit. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be beside my car door.

“Hi,” I said, still a little miffed about her angry gesture.

“You know that beep when you lock your car is really annoying,” she said.

Oh God. Not this.

I looked at her. My mouth was open in a big O. I was speechless.

My arms were loaded down with my meditation stuff. My heart began to race in anger.

How is it that a stranger can cause such a reaction in me in such a short amount of time? And in front of a meditation hall? Something is wrong with this picture. Oh Lord.

I can barely move as it is and now she is blocking my path to the meditation hall.

“What?” I say in response to her comment.

I’m hoping that by pretending I didn’t hear what she said she’ll say something different because guess what, lady? I really don’t need to hear THIS. Not as I’m getting ready to meditate.

Hello! Hello God? What the hell? Where is lightning when you need it to strike down some people? This lady is the perfect example of someone that needs to be struck down. It would be a service for mankind. God! God?

She continues: “That beep! It’s completely obnoxious. You shouldn’t beep your car when we are here to meditate. You can disable that beep you know. Take your car to a mechanic and you can easily get your beep disabled.”

I look at her and think that I’d like to disable her somehow. I want to say something horrible. Out loud. To her face.

But somehow I manage to restrain myself.

Instead I glare at her and walk toward her so she’ll move out of my way.

I’m here to meditate.

To get peaceful.

Get out of my way lady.

The greeter at the door of the meditation hall gives me a “Namaste”.

I shuffle my cushion/yoga mat/back jack to one arm and put my left hand to my forehead in a half Namaste.

My cushion falls. I growl in frustration as I pick up the cushion.

I go inside the hall and take off my shoes.

I set up my cushion/back jack/yoga mat and sit down just as the meditation bell sounds.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

In and out.

In and out.

I’m starting to relax then I look out of the corner of my eye at The Woman Who Doesn’t Like Cars That Go Beep.

She is sitting a few feet behind me. I shouldn’t be looking at her. I’m here to meditate. She’s meditating. I should be meditating. Instead I glare at her closed eyes.

It’s true. I glare at her.

Oh Lord.

Here I am, taking time out of my Sunday night in order to experience more peace and I’m glaring at my fellow meditator.

This is not good.

I stop glaring at her and close my eyes and focus once more on my breathing. I focus on my third eye.

But then I get distracted and my thoughts go back to her. I do a play-by-play of what she said about my beep.

I can’t help myself. I try to stop but I feel helpless to let thoughts of her go.

I think about how neurotic she is to be so uptight about a BEEP for God’s sake.

Hello! God! This woman is neurotic. Will you strike her down already? We don’t need more people like this crazy lady on the planet. Seriously. I’m telling you.

“Bad God! No biscuit for you,” I say angrily to God in my head. “Here I am trying to draw closer to You and this angry you-know-what lands in my path. You could have prevented this and you didn’t.”

From deep inside me I hear: “She’s a perfect reflection of you.”

Uh-oh.

I want to bump against that, deny it and yet…

I sit with that.

Ponder it. Realize that yes, it is true.

I’m sensitive to noise. I tell people what they should and shouldn’t do, like that lady did with me.

I sigh.

“You are are here to learn to not be swayed by what happens on the outside. To have a firm, solid inner base so that people who are upset by your car beeper will not upset YOU so much. That is the true reason of why you are here.”

Okay, God, maybe you do get a biscuit.

During the 45-minute meditation I find my thoughts turning toward the woman. Alternating between compassion and anger. Anger and compassion.

During the question and answer part of the dharma talk she raises her hand and asks about how to let go of clinging to desire.

I want her to stop clinging to my car beeper.

And yet, I’m the one still clinging to the car beeper. She probably let it go but I’m still holding on.

I drive home, quiet.

Reflective.