I have been thinking of writing a blog post for a while now because it has been quite a few weeks since I last wrote one.
And not only was I thinking about it but my body was itching to write one. I could feel the writing itch start in my belly and move into my arms. It’s that strong sometimes.
I kept shoving that writing itch aside and saying to myself:
“I’m not ready. Geez. I’m in the soup of life. I don’t want to write from that confused, soupy place.” (Is what I told myself.)
Well, last week my blog took charge.
It sent all of you subscribers an old blog post of mine. It’s never done that before.
I got a bunch of emails from a lot of you saying ‘Kristin, why did you email me an old blog post?’
My blog was prompting me to write, I guess.
I’m discovering that this blog has a life of its own.
As do I.
So here I am writing from that murky, soupy place.
Part of the reason that I haven’t written is that for the past few weeks I’ve been in deep contemplation about my life. I’ve been doing some inner exploring about what I REALLY want in this one precious life of mine, where I want to go (besides India and Bali) and who I want to accompany me on my life journey.
So lately I’ve been sitting with these thoughts and am not completely clear on all the answers to those ponderings yet.
What I am clear about:
In recent weeks my soul has awoken from a type of slumber that I didn’t even know it (or I) was in. In the ‘waking up’ I’ve become acutely aware of some things in my life that I’ve needed to change. (I’m going to be purposefully vague here.)
It took awhile to get clarity but once I let these particular things go from my life and made a clean break I’ve noticed that I feel more life energy than I’ve felt in a couple of months.
Hallelujah! I can see now that these things were stifling my life force.
And…letting them go also feels a little sad. There’s empty space where these things recently resided in my heart and in my psyche.
Hence the soupy feelings.
Even when I’m not grappling with the above life questions, the season of Fall often invites me to settle in to contemplation. Thus, my nights have been very retreat-like.
Here’s what my evenings have looked like lately:
-Deep conversation and living room floor picnics by candle and firelight with friends in my sweet, womb-like cottage.
– Reading, napping, journaling and (short) meditation beside my fireplace.
-2-hour long phone calls a few times a week with my dear, brave friend Cydney who recently moved to New York and is grappling with some of these life questions herself. I’m usually in the hot tub during our phone calls and come out wrinkled as a prune and very satiated after 2 hours of chatting.
During one of our marathon phone calls Cydney said, “I’m not having a mid-life crisis or a mid-life breakdown. I’m having a mid-life breakOUT.”
We decided that a mid-life breakOUT is where we say “Screw you” to all the self and societal-imposed beliefs about how we should live our life and instead really march to our own inner beat. That inner rhythm resides in us all. If we get really QUIET and listen we can easily slip into that rhythm that is Authentic and True.
Yum. I love that place.
For Cydney it took moving from California to New York to BreakOUT.
For me it took going halfway across the world for a few months.
And I think it’s going to take that again for me to get to another, deeper layer of breakOUT. I’d like to be able to consistently breakOUT wherever I am…without having to leave the country that I was born in. But I’m just not there yet.
For me, at this point in my life, to fully breakOUT involves leaving what is old and familiar for a long period of time to get in touch with that deepest inner part of me that is my Unwavering Guiding Light.
During one of our calls I told Cydney that I feel I’ve gotten a bit off track from my destiny since I’ve been back.
Not horribly so but enough to make me feel like I’m walking beside the track of my destiny rather than in the rails of my destiny. When I’m in the rails of my destiny I am pulled with utter ease to what is Right For Me.
It’s fairly easy to slip into the destiny rails when I’m traveling (no job, no housework, no bills to pay thanks to my assistant handling that) but when I’m home? When work and life and stress are there?
It’s a little harder for me folks.
But I’m working on it.
Perhaps by the time I get that nailed down I’ll be off on my next trip.
I’m leaving in mid-February to India (1-month Ayurvedic cleanse) and Bali (3 months of whatever Bali has in store for me this time).
I need to get my butt in gear to begin to take care of all the small and large details that will be involved with my leaving the States for 4 months. I’m leaving in less than 4 months.
I have to admit: going away again feels a bit like a dream right now.
There’s been so much on my work/personal plate the past few months that I’ve gotten firmly rooted back into the American way of life.
Wayan was right: Stress is an American way of life. It will be oh-so-good to slip into the Balinese groove of synchronicity, massages, healers, authentic spirituality.
And I’m sure other inner and outer surprises await me on this next trip.
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