Breaking Up with Being Single

I’ve been single for over two years.

In the year before I left on my trip I kept trying to muster up the enthusiasm to ‘get out there’ so I could meet some guys.

But it just didn’t feel right.

So I let it go and began to trust that when I was ready I would know when to take action.

When I was in Bali I felt a deep and utter contentment around being single. I felt so connected to myself.

And perhaps because of that deep inner contentment I met a lot of men in Bali who asked me out on dates.

It was fun and exciting to be courted by many different men even though none of them felt like quite the right fit.

I came home thinking that the being-courted-by-a-bunch-of-suitors thing wasn’t something that would happen to me in America.

That dating lots of different men was only something that could happen when I was feeling so free and open during my travels and with other travelers who felt so free and open.

When I came home to America I went from having all these different men knocking at my Balinese bungalow door and whisking me away on their various motorbikes to its polar opposite: my (very) quiet front door in Marin County.

I spent some time with my journal pondering the dating desert that I was now in.

Around this time I began to get calls from various friends who were announcing that they were beginning a romantic relationship.

“I’m so happy for you,” I would say.

And I was.

But I was also really pissed.

I got angry at God. I duked it out with Him. I swore like a truck driver while shaking my fist at the sky.

“What?????! What do you want me to do? Tell me! Make it clear. Do you want me to go somewhere to meet men to date? I’ll go. Just TELL me where to go and what to do.”

Silence.

In December of last year I did the workbook “Calling in the One” with Tarra.  The week after I got back from my trip Tarra called to say that she’d met a wonderful guy who she thought might be her ‘One’.

I began glaring at the “Calling in the One” book each time I spotted it on my bookshelf.

A few weeks ago I brought the “Calling in the One” book to my friend Katie’s house and yelled, “What the hell?! I’ve done this workbook twice. Yes, I did meet E. as a result of this book three years ago but he wasn’t the One and now I’m in this man-desert. No men on the horizon. Not one. And going out to try to meet men doesn’t feel right. I’m so done with being single. And I’m so angry that I’m not getting any inner direction on what to do. AGGGGGHHHH!”

“Why not burn the book?” Katie suggested, pointing toward the roaring fire that was in her fireplace. “You’ve done enough work around the man thing, Kristin. You don’t need to do more work.”

I stared at her. “Burn the book? I’ve never burned a book before.”

I flipped through the book. Did I really want to burn this book?

Yes. I really did.

“That’s a great idea!” I began ripping the book to shreds. I cackled like a witch while throwing pieces of the book in the fire.

Then I sat in silence as the book turned from solid form to ash.

The next week I felt an inner stillness.

The week after that I got in touch with my massive fear around getting into another relationship. Fear around being disappointed yet again. Fear around getting hurt. Of my heart breaking.

I had no idea that those fears were standing in the way of my being available to date possible partners.

I became aware of how easy it was to date men on an island. Of course. They were geographically unavailable. There was freedom in that for me and little chance of my heart getting hurt.

But here? In Marin? Where my house is and where a relationship could actually start?

I was terrified.

I did journal writing about it. I talked with friends at great length about my fear.

Then I made a distinct inner choice that I was willing to risk the fear of my heart breaking and be completely open and available for a relationship.

With that choice I felt a newfound willingness begin to emerge from deep within my soul.

Around this time Kelly wrote on her Facebook page: “I’m breaking up with being single.”

I agreed with her.

I decided to put myself on an Internet dating site. I didn’t think that I would meet ‘my guy’ that way but felt like it was a massive wink to the Universe that  I was single and available. That I was now ready.

I went dancing with friends and met a guy that I had a nice time dancing with. I left before he could get my number.

He Googled me and emailed me the next day.

“I really wanted to ask you out but you left before I could. I remembered what you did for a living so I found you online. I hope it is okay that I contacted you.”

Then the Internet dating site men starting rolling in and emailing me for dates.

Then I got a call from a man who I’d met in Fairfax a year ago who had asked for my number but had never called.

Until now. A year later.

“I’d love to take you out for a drink,” he said as if a year since our meeting hadn’t passed.

What the hell?

Men were coming out of the woodwork.

It was like I was in a dating vortex.

A man that I’d met at another dance a couple of weeks ago contacted me.

“I’d really like to take you out to dinner.”

Then I met a guy at a party a couple of weeks ago.

He’s my favorite so far.

He’s funny, deep, and smart. We laugh a lot. There is a sense of ease and comfort that I feel when I’m with him.

I’m enjoying the man oasis that I’m in right now and I’m allowing myself to be courted by all these different men.

It’s fun and I’m having a great time.

Tagged as: Choosing Love, Dating, Letting go of Singlehood, Opening to Love