I’ve been afraid of spiders since the age of 5.
It started when I was resting my head on my pillow and I heard this chk, chk, chk sound. I ignored it for a minute thinking it was just my imagination but I kept hearing that sound and it got louder and louder. Finally I got up to look and it was a spider. On my pillow. AGGGGHHH. That chk, chk, chk sound I’d heard was the sound of the spider crawling on my pillow.
Scared the crap out of me.
When I was in Thailand over a decade ago I explored a cave. It wasn’t until I had walked a few feet that I discovered I was not alone in this cave. No sirrie. When I shined my flashlight around there were many spiders as large as a man’s hand. (Not a woman’s hand mind you, a man’s.)
One spider was near my head hovering over an egg sack. Uggh.
I didn’t sleep well in Thailand because huge hairy spiders seemed to be everywhere I looked. When I went to sleep at night I imagined they would soon be crawling all over me and in fact, sometimes I would wake up with only flimsy mosquito netting separating me from a hairy, multi-legged, freaky Thai spider looking at me with its 8 million eyes.
Sorry if I’m grossing you out here but you get the picture.
When I was considering Vietnam as one of my upcoming travel destinations I talked to Tarra and Kathleena about it. I told them that I wanted to go to Vietnam but what was holding me back was my fear of spiders. (Vietnam and Thailand share an abundance of big spiders.)
Kathleena said, “You need to do some inner work around spiders. Spiders are potent. They symbolize creativity. And the web!”
I looked at her in amazement because my creativity with my work and play comes from what I do online (on the web).
“Spider has something to teach you, Kristin. You’ve got to make peace with spiders and work through your fear. Don’t let fear stop you from going somewhere that you are drawn to going,” Kathleena said.
I’ve since decided I don’t want to go to Vietnam and not because of fear of spiders but simply because it doesn’t feel right for this particular trip.
But I still hadn’t made peace with spiders. In fact I’d sort of forgotten about them.
Until a few weeks ago.
A few weeks ago a very large spider took up residence underneath my porch light. 
I thought about getting a broom and knocking her down off the porch but I just didn’t get around to doing it.
One night I was up at about 1:00am and went outside to take a hot tub and she was nearly done building this beautiful, beautiful web that must have taken her hours. It was incredible. You can see it in the top picture.
She would pull webbing from behind her and twirl it with her legs and then stomp on it to join it to the other links. I watched her build this web for about fifteen minutes and you know what?
I grew to love this spider through watching her practice her art. Funny. I just wrote a typo of ‘heart’ instead of art.
Heart is an appropriate word though because you know what?
I now have a relationship with this spider.
I care what happens to her.
She has a routine to her life. Just like a person. It’s kind of cute.
Here’s her routine:
She builds webs at night
She eats bugs that get caught in her web
She crawls up into a tight little ball underneath the porch light in the morning to go to sleep
It’s a short routine.
A few days ago I woke up really early (maybe 5am) and she hadn’t quite gotten to her little sleeping spot under the light yet.
I think maybe she hits that spot when the sun comes out. (Like a vampire-she is a blood-sucker after all.)
Anyway, she was asleep after an all-night web-making marathon. She was a few inches from her normal tucked-in sleeping spot (under the porch light). One of her legs was splayed out while the rest of her body was tucked in a tight little ball.
I never thought I’d put adorable in the same sentence as spider but, in that moment, I found that spider to be so adorable.
I had this image of her working, working, working on her web and then being so exhausted she couldn’t quite make it to her normal spot. I also imagined her too tired to tuck all her legs in.
I’m sure I’m anthropomorphizing but hey, if it is helping me make friends with fear then that is a good thing.
How can I be afraid of something that I’ve learned to like?
It’s impossible.
About Me: 
