Cydney and I were discussing romantic love on the phone the other night.
I told her that I’d never really been in love.
“You’ve never been in love?!” Cydney asked in disbelief.
“No, I really don’t think so,” I replied.
Here are the types of love I’ve been in:
I’m-lonely-so-I-need-you love
I-think-you-have-potential love
You-need-someone-to-take-care-of-you love
I-need-someone-to-take-care-of-me love
I-admire-you love
You-have-qualities-I-want-but-don’t-yet-have love
I-want-you-to-complete-me love
We-have-great-sex-but-have-nothing-to-talk-about love
You-are-a-dear-friend-but-we-have-no-sexual-chemistry love
You-make-me-laugh-but-we-have-nothing-else-going-for-us love
I-find-you-very-physically-attractive-but-we-have-nothing-in-common love
I’ve also had multiple combinations of the love types above in various romantic relationships.
But never a:
This-is-who-I’m-supposed-to-be-with-and-it-feels-right-with-every-cell-of-me-including-my-heart-and-other-places-in-my-body love.
I’ve had that feeling of rightness about my friends (you).
I’ve had that feeling of rightness about the home I now live in.
I’ve had that feeling of rightness about the cars that I’ve bought.
I’ve had that feeling of rightness about my work.
But never a fully integrated, yes-this-is-right feeling from the tips of my toes to the top of my head about a partner. Never a congruent-with-my-head-heart-body kind of love.
When I interviewed Julie and her husband Paul for my blog post a few weeks ago, Paul asked if I was married. When I said no he was surprised.
“I wonder if you aren’t married because men are intimidated by you? By the fact that you own your own business and are a savvy businesswoman?” he pondered aloud.
I think it is simply because I haven’t yet met the right-for-me guy. I’ve come close to marrying three different men. Parts of the relationships were right for me. But I can’t make a huge life decision (like marrying someone) without it feeling right on all levels. So I haven’t yet gotten married.
In my single periods in years past, I spent a lot of time, money, and energy trying to figure out what to do in order to find my partner. In an effort to ‘get out there’, I put an ad on a dating website and dated 50 men in six months. But now I’ve stopped my doing.
Instead I’m practicing living the most joyful, fun, playful, fulfilling life possible. Alone and with the company of my dear friends (you).
Also with the company of my open heart. An open heart that is available and ready to meeting the right person.
Just like how discovering one’s calling is mysterious and out of our control (it happened to me at age 24 when I least expected it) I now see romantic love as a sort of letting go and trusting that when two beings are destined to meet they will.
Cydney is Jewish and we’ve talked at length about the Yiddish word “Beshert”.
In Yiddish, one’s destined mate is called a “beshert”. In German, “bescheren” sometimes means “to give” or “to bestow”; thus one’s given portion is “beschert” (the -er or -e ending indicates that the thing being given is male or female). The Hebrew association may have reinforced the Yiddish meaning of “beshert” as “fated” or “destined”.
Yesterday I got an email from Cydney:
Kristin,
So, I’ve been up since 4:30am reading the Ode magazines that you gave me. In the back I saw this ad for (a singles site) which for some reason attracted me – and then I checked it out and saw this guy. And I thought of you. Maybe I’m wrong, but I had a really good feeling about that guy for you. I know you go in and out of being proactive (and of course I don’t care what you decide) but I did think that if you were in an adventurous mood, he would be worth checking out.
(She then gave me a link to this guy’s profile.)
Will I contact this guy?
Sure.
When I wrote Cydney and told her I would contact this guy she wrote:
Yay! I’m glad you’re going to get in touch with him. I would love it if I had any hand in bringing you and your beshert together! (No pressure!)
Right now when it comes to romantic love, I am open to walking through the doors that open to me. Whether that be through friends seeing a guy on a singles site that might be a right match or ?
Do I think my beshert and I will find each other?
You betcha.
About Me: 
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Robert Frost said in a poem, “marriage is traveling easy in harness”, and when I read it I felt sorry for him, and thought, “This old man has forgotten what love is” but the longer I am married the more I understand what he meant. Sometimes there is nothing more than pulling together–but sometime it happens on a morning unequalled in beauty and time, and you stop and share it–you share it forever. The other part I have been taught by dogs–unconditional love. You just love because you cannot do anything else but love. I love this love.
Great post. You betcha! I would definitely bet you will find your beshert. At the perfect moment. And with total EASE. Living the kind of joyful, fully expressed life you are living, it has to happen in the most exciting beautiful, magical, spontaneous way possible. Yay! (whenever) 🙂
Beautifully written comments by two men who are dear to my heart.
Thank you both.
Love,
Kristin
Well. duh! You are the catch of catches!
I was with you last night and as I listened to you talking about your inner openings, I had a vision of two paths: on the one not-traveled, you had already been married, had kids, acquired all sorts of symbolic stuff. You had done everything that part of you and part of the world thought you “should” have done by now. I could see that on that path, you were getting less happy as the time passed.
On the path you’re on, this one here, blogging and exploring and living and biking and allowing, you get to have it all, unfolding magically, in Something Else’s timing, and you’re getting happier by the minute.
I love you and you are one of my beshert buddies.