I haven’t been sleeping well lately. It’s been hard to go to sleep at night and so I’ve been going to bed at around 2am but then waking up at the godforsaken hour of 6:30am. This happened a few days in a row and so yesterday I was wiped out.
I’d had plans last night to go into San Francisco with Rob but had to cancel because I was so tired.
I decided to watch the Netflix DVD of the first episode of Saturday Night Live thinking that would be funny and fun to watch.
Well it wasn’t.
The first episode was from 1976 and seeing that wallpaper and avocado-colored plastic cups they used and those wide collars and I won’t even get into the hairstyles…..well, instead of making me laugh it made me sad and nostalgic.
I found myself longing for simpler times when we didn’t have cell phones or computers and I was a kid and my mom was around and….
Sheesh.
I get like this sometimes and I really don’t like when these moments take hold, this longing for the past. Because the past wasn’t that great but in my mind when I am spinning in nostalgia the past seems like a much better time than now.
All this from a Saturday Night Live episode. Can you believe it?
It was supposed to make me laugh. But instead I felt like crappola and I wanted to cry halfway through what was supposed to be a funny show. I longed to be transported to being a seven-year old (that’s how old I was when that first SNL episode came out) and everything was simple and…
Thankfully Barb called while I was stewing in my nostalgic sadness.
Just like I mentioned in a prior post about the virtues of having someone like Cydney in your life, everyone should have a Barb too. (Actually ALL my friends are so wonderful in their own unique way and bring something so special to my life that I wouldn’t part with a single one of them.)
But for now: Barb.
How to describe Barb? Being around her is like coming home: comfy, easy, relaxed. She is so undefended. Where I tend to take things really personally she just lets things roll off her back. Barb is pure love. I can absolutely, 100% be my most annoying, complaining negative self around her and she just smiles and loves me up.
So Barb called and I was telling her about my bizarre experience of wanting to watch SNL to make me laugh and instead I felt like crying because I was missing a phantom past.
“Pain is the tunnel to the Divine,” she said. “Don’t run away from it. Sink into it. You’ll find God there.”
“But it hurts, Barb. I can feel anxiety and sadness swirling in my belly and my nerves feel a bit on edge and…”
“Just stay with it. What you resist persists. Welcome the pain in. Say ‘hello pain’. Invite it in. See what it has to say,” Barb said.
And I did. I hung up with her and just let the swirling sadness have its way with me. And it wasn’t comfortable but it did pass.
When I face my inner pain and look it square in the eye I often do feel God there. At the very least I feel a deeper connection to myself.
And connection with myself is a good thing.
About Me: 
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Nice post, K. I’m grateful to be amongst your abundance of wonderful friends. You are certainly one of mine for whom I am very grateful.
Thanks also for another great post and the reminder of all that resisting, persisting stuff; and for the kind reminder that true freedom, perhaps the ultimate freedom is being able to let go into pain and/or discomfort. It’s true that if we can stay present to WHATEVER, there’s tunnel to the Divine (nice one, Barb!) there.
The Journey continues in unexpected, even mysterious forms. There’s just no other Path than what’s here now. Like the old saying, “The only way out is through.”
Yes, Jon, you are one of my wonderful friends. I appreciate your presence in my life. 🙂
I posted this blog post yesterday morning and then went to meet some friends and didn’t come home until close to midnight last night.
While I was away yesterday I found myself wondering if perhaps I shouldn’t have posted this blog post. I didn’t spend a lot of time ‘preening’ this post and it felt messy and inarticulate to me so it was helpful to get your comment.
🙂