Eat, Pray, Stay?!

So last night my dear friend Cydney came over and I was telling her how I got my ticket to India and how I was going away for three months. She said, “I’m so happy for you.”

When she said that I realized something profound: I don’t feel happy going on this trip.

When this thought popped up it shocked me.

What?! Being able to go on a trip like this is something I’ve always wanted.

Right?

And here I now have the time, money, resources, managers able to work and yet here was this feeling popping up which, if it could speak, would say: ‘I don’t want to go.’

And right behind that was the very strong feeling of embarrassment: ‘Oh crap! I’ve told tons of people. I’ve bought my ticket. I’ve started this blog to chronicle my trip! I have to go!’

I felt these feelings come in a woosh and I thought about not sharing them with Cydney but rather pretending like I was happy I was going. How insane is that?

But instead I (sanely) asked Cydney if she could just hear me out. I knew I’d get some form of clarity by sharing what was coming up for me because she is a great sounding board when I’m really, really stumped with something.

Everyone should have a friend like Cydney. She has this incredible skill of being able to both listen intently and also ask these super-simple yet profound questions that help me get clarity about my life. Some people can do one or the other really well but not Cydney–she can do both. If you don’t have a friend that can both listen deeply and ask insightful questions I recommend that you go out and find one right away.

So I shared with her my embarrassment over having told everyone I was going and how, with everything lining up how I’m not sure if I want to go. And how buying my ticket and telling people about my trip was almost like being at the altar, about to get married and looking at my partner (India) and thinking, “Oh no, this isn’t the one I want to marry.”

She held up the India book. “Don’t think about it. Just speak. True or false: I want to go to India.”

“False.” (Did I really say that? Oh no, what about the ticket I bought?)

She held up the Bali book. “True or false: I want to go to Bali.”

“I don’t know.” (Oh no, if not Bali, then where? I can’t just stay home after I’ve told all of these people I’m going. Why did I tell all these people I was going on a trip? Why did I start a blog about my travels for God’s sake? How embarrassing.)

“India is too intense for me,” was all I could think of to say then.

“Kristin, I have known you for a couple of years now and I’ve always known you to go for comfort, not for intensity. Your whole life revolves around comfort: your hot tub, your work schedule, everything. Given that, I can’t see you going to India. At least not for three months.”

And in that moment I couldn’t either. And I still can’t 24 hours later.

I’m so used to really being clear about what I want in my life and going after what I want. Going on a long trip has been a dream of mine for many years. But maybe, as Susan said over lunch today, maybe going on a long trip is an old vision. Not one that is in alignment with who I am today. Or maybe Bali or India aren’t the right places for me to travel. Maybe.

And Susan wisely reminded me to pray for the place that I am to go (if I am to go) to call me. Not for me to go chasing after it. But rather, to have it call me.

So, as of now, I don’t know where I am going. Maybe nowhere.

Perhaps I’ll be doing an Eat, Pray, Stay-cation. And won’t that be exciting to blog about?

Picture of Good Listener/Question-Asker Cydney: